Dear Heavenly Father,
Good evening. Before going to bed, it is prudent for me to put down the thoughts flying around in my head. There is a lot to make sense of, especially about the last few days, and I am unsure where to start. I have had several possible openings, that is, of things to say, eager to make plain the thoughts in my mind. But still, at this moment, where do I begin?
The lead-up and commencement of my thirty-first year has been surprisingly eventful. The past thirteen days have demanded so much of my time, attention and presence within the triangular life of home, work and Church. I am not complaining. I am grateful for the opportunity to offer myself to the needs of these spaces. This is where I would have to give it to you, your flowers, I mean. You have done such solid work in me in the past few years that I am only just starting to see some of the ways you have both blessed and changed me. Hindsight is such a gift because that is mostly where my finite knowledge can see the beauty of your ways. Some people from my formative years would be surprised by who I am today. And some whom I have come across in the past few years would only relate to this version of me and the better ones to come. Lord, even I am amazed at who I have become. If I were in your position, I could never create the person I am now.
I know I have questioned you a lot. I have complained, pouted, sneered and wagged my finger at you. I recoil at the recollection of these attitudes. However, it goes to show that you are big enough to accommodate my ignorant ramblings and patient enough to sit with me in the mess of my feelings. You are a righteous judge when you need to, a merciful Father even when I am undeserving. With clinical precision, you have operated on so many hidden and not-so-hidden parts of me with the detours and rejections as your surgical knives. Were it not for your roundabout way of doing things, I would be vainer and more conceited. If you had not been circuitous in leading me to the Promised Land, I would have lacked depth and character. I am not perfect, but for your mercy, I could have been much worse.
Tim Keller said that you will either give us what we ask for or give what we would have asked for if we knew everything you know. I see this clearly when I recall key events in my life through the new lenses that experience has gifted me. The things I thought were must-haves have turned out to be things I genuinely do not care about because providence has forced me to change priorities. Sure, I still have goals and dreams, but not at the expense of your will. I am learning that the worst thing that could happen to a person is you giving them up to their desires. I am certain that if you had given me some of the things I have prayed for, I would be in hell. I mean, see the story of the Children of Israel retold in Psalm 106:
“But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and put God to the test in the desert; he gave them what they asked, but sent a wasting disease among them.” .14-15 ESV
If this is not the definition of wild, I do not know what is! The dominant culture demands that we pursue the desires of our hearts at all costs. There is a sense in which human desire has been idolised as the ultimate thing. So, we shift in shape and form, becoming less and less human and more and more automaton. In the past, several of my desires were shaped by either a fear of failure or a compulsion to join the bandwagon and be like everyone else. I calculated that if I got certain grades, worked in particular offices, positioned and brandished my credentials in this or that manner, then I would scale and be eligible to be among the greats. But you knew better than to give me up to these desires.
I once called you a God who disappoints. But Lord, Lord, you are full of surprises! Yes, the path you have set before me is quieter, with more crosses than glory. Yet I have seen your hand and discovered that other prayers long forgotten have been answered in ways different from expected, but infinitely better than imagined! Oftentimes, I am not sure where the journey leads, but I am learning to walk one foot at a time in your footsteps. At times, there is hope that the twists and turns and rejections will lead to glory not just in Paradise, but in this life. Most of the time, I am learning to be okay with your sovereign will even if it does not look Instagrammable. There is still a lot to say, but I doubt my words can express the depth of what I want to tell you. I’ll stop here for now and let your Spirit speak for me.
So, if it pleases you, Lord, accept my heartfelt gratitude for loving me so much that you took all measures necessary to ensure that I am seated in your will. As I usually would say, this is not the story I would have written, but in the end, there is absolutely nothing better than being in your will. Not now, not ever.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
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